I am not a good girl. Neither are the Litchfield ladies.

What do you know! I'm not dead.

I didn't intend for an extended absence on top of my already sporadic posting. I've been distracted. Among my distractions has been Orange is the New Black. Since I'm late to the party (I'm probably the opposite of a hipster sometimes, loving things not before they're mainstream, but once they're already passé) a review is worthless. So instead I'll use it as an excuse to GIF and as a frame for some introspection.

Like WASPy Piper, sweet but psycho Morello, manipulative Alex and vindictive Red, I am not a good girl. I thought that I was. Everyone has always told me I am. And the world sure wants me to be one. But. Having to live up to expectations to only have traits that fit a very narrow definition of "good" is agonizing. It makes me feel like I'm evil if I fail. Like everyone will hate me. Like I have to be vanilla. God forbid I ever offend anyone even if no one cares if they offend me. God forbid I have a dissenting opinion, make a lapse in judgment, choose wrong, say a bad word, break a rule. What will people think?!

It sure messes with your sense of self when you think you're one thing that's universally praised and realize you're a multitude of others.

That's what happened to me. Years and years of proving myself wrong when I said, clutching my pearls on my righteous high horse, "I would NEVER do that."

Let me tell you something if you have a long list of your "never woulds": yeah, hooker, you would. So shut the fuck up.

They tell you, your whole life, "Good girls don't." And you listen. Because when you're bad, bad things happen, right?

Be a good girl, or else.

Well, I've been a good girl, and I've been a not-so-good girl. The "or else" comes regardless. It's trick logic.

People act like all you could ever offer is being a "good girl," which often means you're just someone who does as you're told without question to fulfill what someone else wants. To stay out of their way. So they make you feel like being a "bad girl" is the worst thing in the world. Ever notice how in the movies there's always a "bad boy" with a heart of gold, but the "bad girl" is just, you know, a dirty slut we aren't supposed to sympathize with?

That's one reason I love the show. None of the characters fit a lovely description, but you love them regardless. Crimes and all. You see something pure and human in Morello, even if she's a stalker, in Red, even if she starves people out, in Crazy Eyes, even if she throws pie at you. 

I don't want to be a good girl. It's infantilizing as a motherfucker. I'd rather be a good woman. Whatever that is. I'm not even sure. You can be a criminal, a liar, a thief, and all your prayers can be those of a criminal, a liar, a thief. But you could have that mythical heart of gold. You could let more tears fall on your shoulder than the ones you cause to spill. You could be constantly trying to learn from your screw-ups. You could have just the tiniest bit of light that makes your dark bearable. You could be doing your time. 

I'm not sure I'm a good woman. But I sure try to be. Sometimes I'm not nice. I don't always do the right thing. I don't always apologize for it.

What else am I? An incisive thinker. Creative. Tough enough. Kind, usually. Forgiving, sometimes (I'm learning). Funny. A down ass bitch, when I want to be.

And when I don't want to be? Then I'm like Piper. I'm a lone wolf. A vicious one.

What are you going to do? Lock me up?

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