Humpday Confessions

Vodka and Soda

Lean a little bit closer so I can tell you some stuff.

  • My default mental state is 12-year-old boy, but at the zoo, I become a 6-year-old girl. I mean, yelling at the penguins to jump into the water, tearing up about how sad the elephants look, wanting to take a lemur home with me. I could stare at flamingo necks all day. I love feeling like a little kid again. That's so freeing.
This has to be one of the best pictures I've ever taken.
  • I was a bride before Pinterest. Which I suppose makes me elderly. Pinterest launched in March 2010, and I got married in May 2010. I never even heard of the site until my friend Brittany mentioned it when we were in the Bahamas several years later. I have to tell you, I hate wedding shit on Pinterest. More than anything, I hate wedding boards made by girls who aren't even dating anyone, like, "I'm going to plan this big party that's all about me and I'll just insert the guy's face here once I actually meet him." You do you, ladies, but can't you designate that shit as a Secret Board so you don't seem crazy? Like I do with my baby board, for instance.
  • One reason I don't really do Facebook anymore is that it was a breeding ground for hate crushing. When my life was going shittily along, I spent so much time cyberstalking people I didn't like, looking for evidence that their existences were as dreadful as I thought they deserved. That has to be one of the worst expenditures of energy, that schadenfreude defense mechanism. It sets you up for a karmic smackdown. Now I just skip Facebook, and I love the hell out of people in my life because I only spend energy ON people I love. Always love, man.

  • I submitted a short story for publication in an anthology last month. It was promptly rejected. Writing it was the most intense creative experience of my life so far — a spiritual bloodletting through my fingertips and into my keyboard. I showed it to one person before I sent it off. That was like putting all my internal organs on a platter, handing that platter over with a magnifying glass, and tap dancing without my organs while someone took notes. When I got the rejection email, I had a flash of "What was the point of even writing this?" 

  • But you know, I'm so glad that I wrote it. I'm glad I got that first soul-crushing rejection out of the way. Writing that story was proof that I CAN write. That I can start with zero words and see something through to completion. That I can write something that's provocative and brazen and so not like me and survive. That makes me feel like I'm taking a step closer to who I should be.
  • My newest show is Louie, and I'm haunted by Parker Posey's turn as a MPDG who works at a bookstore and makes Louie put on a dress, buy a homeless man medication so he stops hallucinating snakes and climb a bajillion flights of stairs to see the city. I'm so moved by the speech she gives him when he begs her to not sit on the ledge of the building.

You're still not getting my ass on the roof of a building, though.


  1. Lol Im divorced and still pin wedding shit I have issues.

  2. I don't find much wedding stuff just pretty or interesting to look at on its own like with other stuff on Pinterest I'd be into even if I didn't have need for it.

  3. Woot woot! Thanks for hosting! I wish I'd done this before!

  4. I'm not even in a relationship and I'm pinning wedding stuff on Pinterest lol

  5. I guess part of it for me is that I'm not a big wedding person. Never was until I had to plan one. So I just don't love looking at wedding shit for kicks! If you love it, hey, you love it!