Sunday

Displaced

Moving = Putting on fast food weight


The exhaustion is fiendish.

What's in all these boxes? I don't know. Will I ever finish removing what seems to be multiplying quantities of bits and bobs from my last apartment? I don't know. What do I know? I don't know. I'm too tired. Where am I?

I'm so tired and have so much on my mind. I want to write it all down, sit at my keyboard and bleed, like the adage goes, but I want it to mean something and not just be rambling. My brain feels like congealed pudding. I don't want to share my pudding.

I will tell you one realization I've had in the last couple of days, when mental and physical exertion beyond what I feel like coping with have made what's really bothering me surface.

I want to fall in love. Feeling stimulated and passionate and blissfully fixated on something to the point of delirium is what I am in agonizing need of finding.

The next book I'm planning on reading is Gone Girl, because I'm the kind of girl who avoids popular books until a good-looking movie trailer for it pops up. Usually I'm dissuaded by a book's best-seller status, since it's too likely it'll be Twilight-level bad.

But Ben Affleck is like a sleeper crush to me.

From the Kindle sample I read and a couple of editorial reviews, I think the novel is going to make me feel stupid. Not just because it'll keep me guessing, but because it'll be so brilliantly executed and lyrical and all the things that I think I'll never be able to do with my writing. But maybe I need to read a book by someone so talented it pisses me off. Maybe that's the creative push I need, since what this pointless post proves is that I have writer's block. I have all kinds of blocks, you know. Writing is this quiet constant in a very unstable existence I've led. It's this fact of who I am but something I've never devoted all my focus to, but I feel like if I do, if I just tune the world out and devote myself to writing, I'll feel fulfilled. I'll find whatever it is I'm looking for.

Right now, I can't even find the box with my DVDs or my MAC Mineralize powder.

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