What Men Say ... about their taste in women

Voyage of the Mee Mee

My husband would leave me for Martha Stewart.

We have this running gag where we'll be watching TV, and he'll covet whatever is being shown or discussed. "I want a windmill." "I want a missile." "I want a Corvette."

Then I'll put on an overly sweet, patronizing voice and say, "OK, little Eric, I'll buy it for you."

Which is where Martha Stewart comes in. Maybe he wouldn't leave me, because when I pointed out that becoming Martha Stewart's sugarbaby would mean the end of our marriage, he said, "No, you would come with me!" So in one of my husband's ideal life scenarios, we would become Martha Stewart's sugarbabies, because what's better than a woman who could cook, clean, knit you a Fair Isle sweater and buy you a private island?

His brother, Nathan, has his sights set on a more age-appropriate sugarmama. He asked me where he could send a love letter to Jennifer Lawrence to ensure it would reach her, because he wants to marry her. If not Jennifer Lawrence, he'd pick a Winter Olympian, because he's Canadian now and an athlete is the perfect evolutionary specimen. See, he's a scientist. Everything returns to science and basic human needs for him, which is why when I asked whether I should feel weird about the fact his brother doesn't get me spontaneous gifts, he said, "No way. Eric is a provider. He brings you chickens!"

My friend who is gay has stereotypically heterosexual taste in women. He loves Kate Upton. He had the nerve to tell me that Kate Upton is the new Marilyn Monroe, that he's certain years from now I'll have an "iconic picture" of Kate Upton on my wall, where Marilyn is now. Sorry, but that bitch ain't Marilyn, and she's not going anywhere near my walls.

And my straight friend has remarked favorably about my age-inappropriate grays, saying the more I have, the more I'll look like Helena Bonham Carter.


  1. Kate Upton isn't even CLOSE to Marilyn Monroe status!!! How DARE he! I hope you made him wash his mouth out with soap after he said that.

  2. Tits and ass do not icons make.

  3. The fact that you started this with my husband would leave me for Martha Stewart made me laugh so hard!

  4. Yes! Love when an opening gets a laugh!

  5. no one will come close to marilyn. not even a princess.

    -kathy | Vodka and Soda

  6. Gotta have that cafeina to function! I know the feeling.

  7. Exactly! There was so much more to the "Marilyn brand" than just her looks. She was her own PR machine. I didn't understand the hype about her until I actually saw one of her movies and became obsessed.

  8. Angel once told me that if it wasn't for me, he would have wanted to marry Carrie Underwood. I mean what? Looks-wise we're really opposite...